To Myself .
false hope.. false hope.. fucking false hope.
i will stick to the decision i made , cos i know it is
the right decision and it really is for my own good.
So no matter what, i must not turn back even though i've long
forgotten the pain or whatever shit. Even though im missing
the good times we had , i must still remember i did what i did for a
reason. So whats the point of doing so much to leave just to get back to it again.
Pls dont be stupid & wake up your fucking idea. Have u really
forgotten all the pain ? Pls dont turn back in your moment of weakness.
I've come so far, i wont turn back . I must not or all would've been in vain man.
The pain , the endurance , the whatver shit .
And to you thanks for not giving me a 2nd chance , thanks for not coming back to me.
Cos if u did , we'd be back to square 1 and i dont know where i'd go from there.
No matter what you do to confuse me , i'll just stick to this , not ever gonna get back with you
and i guess i'll be just fine. Sorry i just need to let all of these out or else i'll be sitting
here thinking and thinking , staring into space. I feel so much better now.
This is my decision , to remain alone. As if i had a choice. But seriously he's confusing me..
oh i think im starting to think again. Shall stop here before i confuse myself.
The end of us , thats it . thats all , forever. That settles it .

Been staying indoors for the past few days cos nothing out there seems to interest me much . There isnt any shopping mall i havent been to , or anything i havent done. Didnt feel like clubbing , didnt feel like meeting friends . Just felt like sleeping and sleeping and being alone. Was watching hotshot the whole night while LL was sleeping beside me & when she woke up she wanted to go out but as i said theres no place in Spore we havent visited and my mum has some leftover ringgit so we decided to go to Malaysia, JB by bus. I've been wanting to get out of the country anyway so ..

At Queen St , LL and i got tickets at $2.40 per person to JB by the Johore Express .

When we cleared through the Malaysian customs we didnt know where to go , was so crowded and LL was telling me over here " Mata bo zho kang eh" making me laugh. Meaning we have to takecare of ourselves and stuff cos here the police dont work . On the roads , the cars didnt seem to stop. No traffic lights , zebra crossings or overhead bridges. I told LL " when ppl cross we cross to the other side also. " When we were crossing , there's this car that drove pass and the driver shouted " wooohooo" hahaha crazy fella . Was kinda messy so we decided to take a cab to Holiday Plaza (:

At one part LL and i were smoking at a corner when i was looking for a bin to stick my cig bud in , they didnt have a bin. LL just flicked hers into mid-air. Then i thought to myself why are we even standing outside the mall smoking? We're like the only ones. I told LL , we're in Malaysia man , wth lets smoke inside the mall. hahahaha too used to spore's strict laws.

LL got her nails done there , The nail shop there is very pretty. We love their Princessy Big sort of chair/sofa. If i can find one i'll buy it and have it placed in my room. Really enjoyed window shopping.

At one point , apparently i popped a pill too many and got lost in my own world. hahaha. Damn stupid la , drifted in and out of consciousness. According to my dear LL , in my sub-conscious state I walked on my own, talked to this Dvd shop person asking if they were selling Hotshot Full set . LOL. Been watching too much hotshot i guess. I rmb following him to another store that he said was selling. LL said she didnt wanna get separated from me so she tagged along. Thank god man. In the end i didnt buy cos they didnt have Eng subtitles. I kept asking LL where are we going now ? to a point where she got a little irritated and she was like " hello ! what go where? we're in Malaysia now. " I also asked her where's eunice and Sandy. Hahaha i dont know why or rmb either. Oh but i rmb seeing everything double or four times. Was really funny . Cos LL said there's this handsome guyshe wanted me to see but when i looked at him. His face blurred away and multiplied to four persons. So was pointless after that cos i cant see anything clearly. Anyway LL said was getting quite late so we walked ard then she ate at Mac. I bought a fake Gucci dustbin God knows why before deciding to go home.

LL also nearly booked a hotel there & wanted to stay the night. not sure why but didnt in the end . Anyway its amazing how i was able to make it to Immigration without remembering anything. Cleared through Malaysian customs smoothly. Then while clearing through spore side, This lady in front of us was found smuggling some pirated Dvds so the officer checked LL 's bag then mine. The fucking Malay officer had me detained just because he found my sleeping pills with no prescription and wrappers in my bag . I told him it is not a controlled drug but obviously the motherfucker knows nothing abt drugs or hasnt seen any in his life.

He fucking made me wait in a room then transferred me to CNB side. I was in there for bout an hour or so, I thought they were going to test my urine cos i've got previous drug records but luckily the CNB was a Chinese officer . " He was like , " Nonsense la , this is stilnox , return these and let her go " phew. Took my pills & passport to find LL waiting outside for me. Sorry my dear girl . She's always nagging abt dont seh & stuff. Well i never listen nor learn nor stop do i ? well i shall learn then. Anyway reached spore at 1plus was supposed to meet Sandy at Geylang but ended up at home . Changed into pyjamas then knocked out for the next 22hrs. hahahaha . Its a fucking brand new day now & i really dont know what to do. Fucking boring man . I still feel like being alone. I dont know till when. LL is an exception thou.

Just a short post for today. Supposed to watch Bedtime Stories at TM with my sis , Max , Steph and all but i was only able to fall asleep at 11 in the morning and my sis was like asking me to get out of bed at 1pm. I was like " whats the time now? " and she " one " and me " what time you leaving the house ? " and she " one fifteen " okay great. Decided to give it a miss cos i was damn tired and my left eye was hurting.

Also didnt want her to wait for me as we already have alot of me not waking up on time ' issues ' Her point of view - Im old enough , i should learn to wake up by myself , i should be more responsible, i should set the alarm bla bla. yea what she says is true but my retort is - you should knw i wake up in the night and even if i told u i set alarm , im most likely to not hear it & it wouldnt hurt to double check right ? besides we share the same toilet and when you dont see me bathing or hear me showering thats means im still asleep right ? and you could erm help me out alittle cos i dont do these things on purpose ya ? Its not as if you dont know me.

Anyway im not talking about this appt in particular. Im talking about previous appts that were important like Dad's bday and so on. Ohwell. Im trying my best (:

Anyway by the time i woke up 'twas already dark. Msged sis and she said they were all coming home alr. Had dinner with them and then played Scatergories. Some brain racking game to test your intelligence and after that was wii all the way till 4am (: played tennis with Alethea & Max on wii and later bumper car with my brother when they went home. Was laughing and laughing all the way till LL came.

Didnt realize it was coming to 5am. Need to get more games for my wii and ps3 . I want both in my room if possible. haha. Anyway LL stays with me part-time. I rmb the other day when Nic & Kim chased me out of their room cos they wanted to sleep. I was wishing LL was here cos i couldnt get to sleep. When she does stay , I can already imagine Nic saying to me " Wah , you all laugh laugh laugh the whole night , laugh so loudly. I'm trying to sleep and I can hear you all from my room. What yall laffin about?" hahahaha. Sorry! I love nic la , sometimes she's just so cute. Alrights shall make this a fast one.

LL lying on the bed while im getting ready.

Went to Kovan at 6plus to eat. I love the ice Milo at the coffeeshop there. Its different from the usual ones. It tastes like dark chocolate. We both ordered mee goreng. Not bad.

7 plus, we went to Bendemeer to meet Dee and his friend. Slacked for awhile. Was laughing at the way he eat. Like a hungry ghost. hahahaha. He's still the same. Joker la. Always crappin ard.

Ard 9plus , LL and i cabbed to her house 1st . I got down to buy curry puffs and then continued on to my house. Im currently like sort of addicted to this Taiwan drama Hotshot. I watch it online everyday before i sleep or rather until i fall asleep. i so fucking love this show man. Tomorrow i'll be going over to Steph's house to continue watching our hotshot (: Its more fun to watch together. Looking forward to it. At the moment watching hotshot beats everything flat. It even beats smoking ice. But it would be best if i could smoke ice and watch it at the same time. Nah im just kiddin. hahahaha. Alright my hotshot episodes have all loaded. Time to end it here too. Back to watching .....

Merry Christmas to all (:
This morning, In the car while i was looking for a place to do my nails. My dad and i had a little conversation and it went like this

Dad: I think i shall send you for some grooming course to be more..
Me: - cuts in - grooming ?! Kasper(my dog) goes for grooming..
Dad: to be more uhm.. westernized ? you look ahlian
Me: I do ? Then how westernized do you want me to be?
gold hair , blue lenses ? cos i was a lil irritated.
Dad: total silence. hahahaha .
I press play and blast Marilyn Manson's sweet dreams into my eardrums. Its just a matter of how you carry yourself. Thats it and thats all. Anyway i got my nails done at Nailpalace.

My Christmas tree

Just look at the amount of presents below my Christmas tree. Hahahaha. I wonder how many belong to me (: We have cheese Macaroni with bacon bits and Caesar salad here. Prepared by my Auntie Ve. Its damn delicious. I bet I'll be craving it soon.

This is of cos Turkey . Only the bones left cos it is so god damn delicious . Below is Beef !! My favourite too.
And this is the Gingerbread house with black and orange sugar icing that Kimberley & Maxine made. Its edible & It tastes nice. i tried it. hohoho.

My lovely presents. Thanks everyone. I feel loved. hahahaha (:

Its Wii baby (: when i have the time i'll upload more pictures of the set and games. Its wii yo.
Nikki , Ryan and Maxine playing Tennis till they sweat . Alethea and i were just watching and of cos snapping away. Btw my dad is really against blogging. He finds it low class and degrading ?! shall elaborate next time. Really tired . Merry x'mas to yall again. x , Jaslin .
Oh ya my cupboard is in a real mess after venting my anger the other day. So its really hard for me to find my clothes. Anyone wanna come and help me fold all my clothes? i'll pay u twenty bucks. Anyone interested. hahaha . Its in a fucking mess. My god .

Woke up at about 7 in the evening , 'twas drizzling. Nobody home again. Some bee tai mak and soup in the kitchen. Heated it up . Something just to fill my stomach. Watched Love Blossom II on channel 8. Do you guys like the show ? i do (: Took a shower then called Comfort co. for a taxi . The cab driver called me. I was thinking to myself how did he reach so fast but turned out that he didnt know the way. zzz .Picked Lianlian and Daryl up from Bigbird then off to Cathay Cineplex to watch a movie ,Ip man. You ppl need to watch this man , its really good. Not once did anyone screw up .Im not the kind to simply just sit down and watch a movie just because its showing in the cinemas. I'm very particular about movies so when i tell u its good. Its good. Fast paced , action packed .

Outside Cathay Cineplex .

Ip man pronounced as Yip Mun not i.p man

Ip Man's wife

The house they lived in before the war

The wife and their son Ip chun . Damn cute.

Lynn hung , His wifey in the movie

Alrighty , some facts i betcha didnt know. Ip Man pronounced as Yip Mun is a true story and he was shifu of legendary Kungfu superstar Bruce Lee.
December 1972 , he passed away at age 79 . Today, His son Ip chun 84yrs of age is one of the most successful teachers in hongkong.

After the movie , Zell & co. came to pick us up from Cathay. We were supposed to go to some pub in Eastcoast but changed plans cos of the stupid rain. So we went to Changi airport to slack and eat. These four guys Ken , Sherman , Leonard and Zell. They were crapping around , telling stories and making me laugh. Yea i just sat there listening and laughing. hahaha. They are nice people man (: i guess so. Shortly after smoking. Ken sent me home. Was funny cos in the car i kept reminding him not to speed when he was already going quite slow. Zell overtook him. I pointed to a sign that read " speeding kills " and he was like " fuck man , I'm not drunk . Look at Zell , he's going faster than me " and i was like " drive safely kay? im in the passenger seat , the one sitting behind the driver is always safest " hahaha was just teasing him cos of the accident we nearly had the other day. Lol . Anyway reached home at abt 4am . No plans for Christmas. No mood at all . It just doesnt feel like Christmas. There will be a party at my home later on in the afternoon. We all dress up, congregate,use this festivity as a facade to catch up with people we love and exchange presents beside the Christmas tree. Its the same every year so i guess i'll just hang ard. At least i have a family that celebrates Christmas. It cant be that bad after all .

LianLian came over to my house, then my Dad drove us down to Paragon cos i wanted to get this Gucci bag . As i was queuing up to get into the Boutique, i took a fancy to another pink bag in the showcase. So i inquired about it. The sales lady said that there are only 2 pieces here in Singapore and the bag is a limited edition. Was thinking " Hmmm to take or not to take " My dad said " well , if you really like it then take both" There and then i said okay. Oh no. I'm going to be so so broke. My $700 gone just like that. Dad topped up the rest .

$890

$670 . total $1610 SGD inclusive GST. I'm mad.

Dad and brother left. Walked over to Cine. Bumped into pixie (su ann ) as i'd prefer to call her , & her friend . Decided to catch a movie together . Went up to buy the tickets first. Was filling fast , not much space left so i chose those furthest from the screen but in pairs . From the back Lianlian and i , row infront pixie & her friend and further down Kenny & Keith. Two new friends

i made today. Oh and not forgetting pixie's other friend Ian. Somewhere in the cinema. Guess i'm getting a lil too detailed. hahahaha. Whilst waiting , we had our dinner at Pastamania. I am a cheese lover (: Ordered Mushroom and Ham pizza. Its not in the pic thou .

Hey guys really sorry about the bad lighting and colour contrast for the photos above. Blame it on the lousy photoediting website ( http://www.picnik.com/ ) Cos my photoImage editor is down.

Twilight. yea Edward Cullen & Isabella Swan . Quite a nice show. Wouldn't mind catching it for the 2nd time. Apparently my sister at home is crazy over Edward. Actually many ppl are , Cos of the book thats so popular. Hmmm anyway Kim told me that Edward actually acted in Harry Potter as Cedric Diggory. He did ? Shall go watch Harry potter again .

Aft pixie and co. left , our new friends and us slacked at the coffee house ( forgot its name ) The chocolateMint drink was nice. I feel like having it now. Do try it sometime (: we chatted, got to know each other better before leaving for DF. Later Eunice came down to look for me and our new friends happened to be her friend too. Yea spore's way too small.

Okay last sentence and im off to bed. Here goes , the life band there is so awesome and the female singer celeste sang this song " wei le ni er huo " i think . She sang it so well , perfect. I cant get over it. Get over it and get to bed , if not i'll be wanting to go to fly every now and then.

Btw Thanks Dad (:

Okays. Recent updates about my life , recent as in the pass few months. Been clubbing , went shopping. Also have been having steamboat and going for foot reflexology and body massages late in the night . Did a little shopping here and there and of cos eating good food all the time.

And as many of you may not know i 've been battling depression for the longest time i can even remember. It comes and goes so naturally. Playing with my emotions or driving me to a point of desperation whereby i feel that there's no way out when i cannot feel happy about a damn thing anymore. Contemplated suicide , though i've nv attempted to take my own life. Its driving me insane.
know why ? I have people treating me so well , nice friends , parties to attend , cash and parents that care. I should be happy. But i cant i wonder why? why am i feeling so upset ? what am i not happy about ? Or rather why do i feel nothing and just want to be alone. There is nothing there to upset me , This overwhelming feeling of sadness / anger / worthlessness just comes.

So i normally sleep on it , eat non-stop , stay home watching movies online or waste my time away. I wonder why i have to be this way. Oh and sometimes i do " self medicate " spending days at different hotels smoking time away. Days pass by like mins and these activites often burn a big hole in my pocket man but it is all in the hope of feeling better , sometimes just to kill boredom or to have a long chat and bonding with friends. I leave it untreated as i've already grown used to it. Till then i'll just self medicate again (:

Mani / pedi at bugis street

Aft straightening my hair at bugis


At ajisen's and Billy Bomber's with Lianlian.

Steamboat at Liangseah st with LianLian , Ndy , Andrew and Yinqi .

Quiet person by nature, dont talk much to strangers and i do feel uneasy in the company of acquaintances. Difficulty in opening up or holding normal conversations with new friends etc. May appear unfriendly/arrogant at times(as others have mentioned)but as long as i have lianlian with me i'll be alright yo (=

and i really dont like talking over the phone. I've only been able to hold long phone conversations with only 2 ppl . LianLian and ahboy so far.Honestly. Under circumstances , i am much friendlier
and able to talk more like when under the influence of anti-depressants. hahahaha. This 2nd part is not when im in my depressed state tho. This is just me. Im born like that. - weird.

well thats me for you .

why am i even blogging abt stuff like my depression. Im in a nightmare , This is my nightmare.

Get me out of it . I sound crazy dont i ? so stay away i have no intention of making new friends.

Afraid of the rest of the world .....